If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
