I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
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Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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