we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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