Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
