The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
