I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize