Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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