I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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