He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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