The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
