im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
