Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
