tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
