I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
