I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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