I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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