Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Ketchup is God's man juice
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
