it was like eating out sand paper
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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