DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
