shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
40s are totally the cure
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
