Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
