No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
