WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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