Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize