im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
