I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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