So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
