you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
