Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
