I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
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Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
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You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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