your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
