I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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