Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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