Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
