he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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