A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Is it penis luge time yet?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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