Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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