She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
