NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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