You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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