At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize