he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
