this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
