i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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