Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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