The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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