were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
