Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Do you remember whose house we're in?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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