I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
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I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
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I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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