I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
