You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
