I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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