Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
