What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
