he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
