Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
