She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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