i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
