I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
