I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
